Zeromantic's Xanga

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Sun, 08 May 2005 21:18:29 GMT

YAYGOODNEWS!!!!

I'm gonna be an auntie! I'm so excited! HOORAY!

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Sat, 23 Apr 2005 22:45:19 GMT

"Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal..."

Not so much an emotional day, just difficult on the feelings.

I want to type out all my thoughts, but no words will come.

Sad. Tired. Cold. Save me.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Thu, 24 Mar 2005 22:31:16 GMT

I'm hella tired. I think I'll go back to bed. Then I'll color my hair.

Yay for purple!

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Thu, 24 Mar 2005 09:59:09 GMT

I'm feeling very....Private, and sad right now.

I realize it's not right to cry myself to sleep everynight, but for everything I try to ease the pain, it never goes away. What hurts more is knowing what I want is the worst thing for me.

I'd like some valium and vodka to wash away all the thoughts. I feel used on so many levels. I feel like I led him on so long ago, but it was myself I was leading on. Why am I so fucked up? Why do I always need someone else to make me feel better?

I think about him endlessly. It's been quite a long time since my last post about him, but it still stings like the first day he was gone. Why did he have to take my heart with him?

I see that people get along without me so much better and it kills. I don't belong anywhere.

I went back to ISB for a visit and it ended in signing up again. What is wrong with me? I guess I just want to relive a past I never really had. I know it will only end up in another stupid poem and more bad memories, but the impulse took over. I'll just...go delete the thread I made. Forget as best I can.

Forget...I'll never forget him, but maybe I'll forget the pain someday...

I still love him.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Tue, 22 Feb 2005 23:39:26 GMT

Meh. I just got back from vacation in Idaho, Montana, and Washinton State.

Both Mom and I are sick, so I stayed home today. I must get back to school tomorrow, but no matter how much it brings dismay, I'll live. =/

A lot of things have been going on in my head lately, mainly because I haven't been my meds for quite a while. I seem a lot more depressed about little things, and I eat much more. Both of these side affects are killing me. *gags*

I realized Mike has either blocked me or deleted me from VampireFreaks and his contact lists. Most likely the former idea. He won't stay out of my mind, and I hate it. What's wrong with me? I called him, but hung up in fear. Stupid emotional love songs had me crying all over again at his memory...

Enough about him. He was a total fuckhead to begin with.

Justin has been extremely nice to me lately. It scares me. He wants me to call him 24/7. I don't mind this, but my cell bill sure as hell does. I like thinking about him. It's the only thing that doesn't scare me. For some reason it makes me grin stupidly when he calls me his "love". It makes me feel more special than his "girlfriend". I need a haircut.

Now I know why everyone likes music. It's saying everything you want to, without being so damn personal. Why it took me fourteen years to realize this, I'm not sure. I'd like to go out dancing tonight. Alas, I've not many friend's and even if I did, no place to go...

Words can mean so much. I know this, but most of them slip off my shoulder like silk. All the good ones fade, yet the lesser things burn so bad. Why do they torture me so?

I love my friend's, but hate how they always get themselves into traps so that I have to bail them out. Okay. Breathe, Allie, breathe...

I'll update tomorrow, maybe. I'm too drained as of this moment.

<3 Allie

Monday, February 14, 2005

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 21:01:20 GMT

Fear in Hope

The look you give me,

burning through my flaws.

I’m losing grip,

The crimson draining,

Falling from my eyes.

Chorus:

And there’s nothing you can do

To clear away the cinders from my

Screams,

And there’s nothing you can do

To clear away the ashes from my kiss.

The isolation tempting further,

Hope crawling up my throat,

The hate crawling down into my soul.

Deeper into the cavities of space,

Maybe I’ll let your beautiful touch stay.

Chorus

The look, the look

You give me would burn a hole right

Through my eyes,

A hole right through the sky…If

I let the hope escape my mouth.

I’d let…

I’d let the hope take out your

Fucking eyes again…

Take that and I'll kill you slowly.

Hapy fucking Valentino Day.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 07:11:36 GMT

Too much shit has been going on in the past few weeks.

Streess, I feel, has been loaded onto me because everyone knows I'll take it.

State tests are this week, and boy have I been working my ass off. I'm not ready for tomorrow to come.

I've talked to a few people I've not communicated with ( I mean really communicated, not just talked) in a long while. Jason being one of them. I feel this sort of pained closure, really knowing that that part of us is over. Another thing I get from this is "Finally, I can live without him always on my mind." But I fear that will take forever.

I said something to him I've wanted to say since I met him. After months, and months (literally), I did. I had to grow up a little and realize what it was I needed to say. After saying it, I feel alone, but not empty. This, I guess is a good thing. I haven't had my meds in over a week, so I'm not really one to figure out exactly what feelings are good and bad.

He knows I'll always love him. We both do. But for now I'm letting us fade. Something I should have done months ago. Most of the poetry I wrote on my site was about him. The ones I truely feel proud of are my best and worst moments with Jason. Who knows, maybe I'll finally be able to publish a book all about this shit like Woody. I'd like that. The little girl side of me is still hopeful that he is, in fact, the one for me, but that's to be found in another lifetime. The more woman-like side of me is saying 'fare thee well', but never goodbye.

Just as he's always done, Jason pulled me out of myself again. If not for him tonight, I would most likely be on the floor, crying with bloor pouring down my side like ink. The scars from him are fading, but they'll always be there to remind me how much I really, honestly, wholly did love him.

Thank you, Jason, for the memories I love. The tears I'm glad I cried, and the renewal of hope you always give me. You're my best friend and never forget that. I don't know if you remember this, but the first time, the second, third, I'm not sure how many or which times I told you this after we broke up, "Remember, I love you. Someone in this world will always love you, Jason. Forever and always."

-Allie

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Tue, 04 Jan 2005 02:11:45 GMT

I have this sooooong....stuck in my heeee-ad!

"Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause I'm Mr. Brightside..."

I loooove that song. Tis by the Killers. ^.^

Anyway, I should get to work on Chapter One of my story, so yeah. Later evvyone!

<321

Friday, December 31, 2004

Fri, 31 Dec 2004 20:50:32 GMT

So I have to goto my dad's for weekend. It won't be so bad, but something inside is dreading it. No parties for me on New Year's.

Shelby's coming with. That's at least a good thing. I think we're going to go to a movie or two, so yeah. I better do the dishes and clean this place up before mom gets home or my ass is grass. >.<

Happy New Year, Everyone!!!

Best wishes to all.

<321

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Thu, 30 Dec 2004 21:31:02 GMT

Rawr! I slept until like three thirty today and no one even noticed!

I need to stop talking on the phone into the wee morning hours. I like mac and cheese. I'm making some at the moment. I have to burn a couple CDs and call Tom in a half an hour. Blergh! I don't want to talk. I'm in an antisocial mood. "I still think there's something in the kitty litter." XD I can't believe I said that. Anyway, zee nooidels ah bweeling. Musht attendeh to zem.

I'm outie, y'all. <321