I'm feeling very....Private, and sad right now.

I realize it's not right to cry myself to sleep everynight, but for everything I try to ease the pain, it never goes away. What hurts more is knowing what I want is the worst thing for me.

I'd like some valium and vodka to wash away all the thoughts. I feel used on so many levels. I feel like I led him on so long ago, but it was myself I was leading on. Why am I so fucked up? Why do I always need someone else to make me feel better?

I think about him endlessly. It's been quite a long time since my last post about him, but it still stings like the first day he was gone. Why did he have to take my heart with him?

I see that people get along without me so much better and it kills. I don't belong anywhere.

I went back to ISB for a visit and it ended in signing up again. What is wrong with me? I guess I just want to relive a past I never really had. I know it will only end up in another stupid poem and more bad memories, but the impulse took over. I'll just...go delete the thread I made. Forget as best I can.

Forget...I'll never forget him, but maybe I'll forget the pain someday...

I still love him.