YAYGOODNEWS!!!!

I'm gonna be an auntie! I'm so excited! HOORAY!

"Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal..."

Not so much an emotional day, just difficult on the feelings.

I want to type out all my thoughts, but no words will come.

Sad. Tired. Cold. Save me.

I'm hella tired. I think I'll go back to bed. Then I'll color my hair.

Yay for purple!

I'm feeling very....Private, and sad right now.

I realize it's not right to cry myself to sleep everynight, but for everything I try to ease the pain, it never goes away. What hurts more is knowing what I want is the worst thing for me.

I'd like some valium and vodka to wash away all the thoughts. I feel used on so many levels. I feel like I led him on so long ago, but it was myself I was leading on. Why am I so fucked up? Why do I always need someone else to make me feel better?

I think about him endlessly. It's been quite a long time since my last post about him, but it still stings like the first day he was gone. Why did he have to take my heart with him?

I see that people get along without me so much better and it kills. I don't belong anywhere.

I went back to ISB for a visit and it ended in signing up again. What is wrong with me? I guess I just want to relive a past I never really had. I know it will only end up in another stupid poem and more bad memories, but the impulse took over. I'll just...go delete the thread I made. Forget as best I can.

Forget...I'll never forget him, but maybe I'll forget the pain someday...

I still love him.

Meh. I just got back from vacation in Idaho, Montana, and Washinton State.

Both Mom and I are sick, so I stayed home today. I must get back to school tomorrow, but no matter how much it brings dismay, I'll live. =/

A lot of things have been going on in my head lately, mainly because I haven't been my meds for quite a while. I seem a lot more depressed about little things, and I eat much more. Both of these side affects are killing me. *gags*

I realized Mike has either blocked me or deleted me from VampireFreaks and his contact lists. Most likely the former idea. He won't stay out of my mind, and I hate it. What's wrong with me? I called him, but hung up in fear. Stupid emotional love songs had me crying all over again at his memory...

Enough about him. He was a total fuckhead to begin with.

Justin has been extremely nice to me lately. It scares me. He wants me to call him 24/7. I don't mind this, but my cell bill sure as hell does. I like thinking about him. It's the only thing that doesn't scare me. For some reason it makes me grin stupidly when he calls me his "love". It makes me feel more special than his "girlfriend".  I need a haircut.

Now I know why everyone likes music. It's saying everything you want to, without being so damn personal. Why it took me fourteen years to realize this, I'm not sure. I'd like to go out dancing tonight. Alas, I've not many friend's and even if I did, no place to go...

Words can mean so much. I know this, but most of them slip off my shoulder like silk. All the good ones fade, yet the lesser things burn so bad. Why do they torture me so?

I love my friend's, but hate how they always get themselves into traps so that I have to bail them out. Okay. Breathe, Allie, breathe...

I'll update tomorrow, maybe. I'm too drained as of this moment.

<3 Allie